Thank you for responding to this request from the National Survey Association! (Which popped up on your computer screen and won’t go away, so what choice do you have?)
Our research has shown that the average number of surveys the average American encounters in an average month averages 1,034 — up 194.2 percent from our last survey survey, conducted a year ago.
We know you may be feeling overwhelmed with the number of restaurants, utilities, bookstores, gas stations, massage parlors and animal husbandry facilities – among others — who are asking you on a card, phone call or those receipts to please take “a few minutes” of your time to “tell us how we’re doing.” (As opposed to the old-fashioned way of, um, how much of a tip you give or saying something nice (or not so nice) to your server-person, the manager (if he or she isn’t busy reading all those surveys) or a blank-faced embroidered-shirt doofus at the local Big Box.
But you should know that America’s Businesses have become so automated that we don’t believe in face-to-face, voice-to-voice contact. Only numbers count – and the only way WE can count YOU is to amalgamate your views with that of the Public at Large, so we can decide how best to serve YOU! Whoever YOU are.
So please do fill out this very brief, 48-question survey, after providing us the same e-mail address, demographic and income info, blood type and shoe size we’ve asked of you after each of the previous 1,048 times you’ve visited our Website or answered this call, always precisely timed for when you are in the shower or otherwise indisposed.
As for this survey about surveys (which we call ‘The Mother of All Surveys,’ and you’ll soon see why), we promise cross our heart hope to expire shortly that this VERY brief survey will NOT take any longer than 4,263 minutes to complete, after which you of course will be entered in a prize drawing for the Special Gift of Your Choice (a cheap plastic pair of binoculars, gawd-ugly tote bag or compact tissue holder with built-in tweezers).
Oh yes, the questions we’re asking include:
On a scale of 1 to infinity, 1 being “I wouldn’t answer this question if it gave me the last airpack on Mars” and infninity being “I want to marry this store and bear its children!”…. how much do you agree with the following statements?
–My favorite hobby is filling out surveys.
–My sole purpose in life is to fill out as many surveys as possible.
–I enjoy surveys because I hate face-to-face interaction and prefer anonymously praising or carpet-bombing the places I shop, eat, or otherwise must make use of.
–I love love LOVE surveys because I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time. Nothing. Whatsoever. Trust me. Or ask my wife. Wait, don’t ask her.
–I believe today’s American businesses have absolutely no way to find out what I like or dislike other than these online or endless phone surveys that present such leading questions as to stack the answers in the way only masters of spin control can.
–The only thing I enjoy more than filling out an endless parade of surveys is watching Viagra or Cialis ads, with his-and-hers bathtubs and soft romantic music that also leave 4-year-olds across the country threatened with a mouth full of soap for asking, “Mommy, what’s a four-hour erection?”
Again, from the deepest recessed hearts of the National Survey Association (motto: “We haven’t a clue unless you tell us what to do!”), THANK YOU for agreeing to proceed to the following 1,093,426 questions on our survey (hey, it’s been a while) – and we promise to never, ever ask you all these questions again.
Until next week.
Hey, computers can have Attention-Deficit Disorder too!
Whoever you are, have a nice day!
Leave it to Barney 
Barney, Do I think you need Voice Mail Software and a DVR? Oh Yeah…. just click on the following link to enter for your chance to win….
DVRs don’t stop the phone from ringing when in the shower – and yeah, we have answering machine but… oh don’t go gettin all logical on me, was just havin some fun!;-)
I know, I don’t usually do logic. It just seemed appropriate. Another word I have a hard time doing. Ironic.. oh no way… I’m not doing this…
LOL..
I love your posts!